Things I Know about Football

I’m married to a sport fanatic. He doesn’t play, just watches. But he watches everything. When you follow all football codes as well as tennis, cricket, golf, tenpin bowling, basketball and the national spelling bee championships - there is always sport to watch, every day. He’s very committed.

So in order to have happy, lovely, couple time, I occasionally have to watch the sport and recently we’ve started a habit of going to our local WAFL games on Saturdays.

Now I know nothing about sport, I don’t understand what they are doing or why. I have no idea what the correct protocol is when someone kicks the ball out of the big white circle. I have no idea what a ruckman is or how they can possibly end up jumping on each other’s shoulders like that. I have in the past tried to watch a game but I always get lost at the bit when they stop playing and swap sides, I lose my team, I have no idea what is happening and what direction the ball should be going in and it all just gets too hard. I like to think im at least moderately intelligent, but football is something I just don’t understand.

I have been picking up some things from our trips to the football though, here’s what I’ve learnt.


Things I know about Football

It’s perfectly acceptable for several players to jump on top of the player who has the ball and hold him down so he can’t get rid of the ball. In these situations everyone in the crowd then has to yell “BALL” as loudly as possible and abuse the umpire.

The more team paraphernalia you are wearing, the louder you are allowed to yell.

Thongs and shorts are perfectly acceptable winter wear as long as you are also wearing a beanie.

It is best to bring your own stubby holder to the game.

If you do bring your own stubby holder, be sure to write your name on it in big black marker. This will stop someone taking your drink by accident. Unless, of course your name is Keith.

Dad’s who bring their kids to the football don’t have to follow any of Mum’s normal rules.

Children over the age of five can be left by themselves when you hang out in the bar, as long as they stay near the fence where you can see them and only talk to strangers supporting the correct team.

If your team is winning, you must make friends with everyone around you.

If your team is losing, you don’t have time to make friends, you should be busy abusing the umpires. Spearmint Cowboys.

You must walk on to the oval at half time. If you have children you must kick a football with them on the oval at half time.

The bar sells wine – this is a trick, if you order wine you will immediately be branded a pussy and be escorted from the grounds, you must only drink beer or spirits. This counts for the womenfolk also.

You cannot swap sides during a football game, even if the side you picked is losing by billions of points. If you support the same team for more than one game you must support the same team for your entire life. Even if you move states, even if the coach and all the players die in a tragic accident and the team is a completely new one. Even if you suffer amnesia and forget which team you support and who you are and what side of the bed you sleep on. You still can not swap teams. Ever. I now support the Perth demons, even though they are crap.

I might buy a hat. Carn the D's!

Scoot Somewhere far

I used to say, I love planning things I’ll never do, and then doing them. This is one of those plans and one of those things.

So I’ve decided that I want to scoot somewhere far, and then scoot back home. The plan at the moment is to scoot first to Wave Rock, then from Hyden to Norseman, on to Eucla, across the border and across the Nullarbor to Ceduna. After eating many many Oysters in Ceduna i'll travel north through Coober Pedy, up to Uluru and then back along the Great Central Road and the Outback Way through Leonora and Leinster, across to Mt Magnet and then down through lots of places I’ve never heard of back to Perth.

Obviously I need to do a lot more research, some of the roads I’ve chosen may not be suitable for a scooter, I’ll need to be careful about distance between petrol stations also with my tiny little tank. I’ll also need permits and things to go through some areas.

Food, Water, Shelter, Fuel.

So I’ll have a little tent and a big warm sleeping bag, and I wont think about snakes ever. No snakes in the outback. None at all. I’ll camp most of the time and occasionally treat myself to a hotel room.

I’ll have to carry a lot of water and at this stage have no idea what I will eat. I’ll have to carry a spare jerry can for fuel, and spark plugs and a little took kit for fixing things on the bike. I’ll have to get someone to show me how to fix things. I’ll have to get an extra comfy special seat for the bike.

So I’m thinking of taking 3-4 weeks for this little trip. Doing a lot of planning beforehand but having the freedom and enough time to change my mind whenever I want and stay an extra night or go on a detour for a couple of days. This will be a solo trip. Just for me. I’ll have to document it somehow, maybe get myself a good camera.

So this trip is now officially on my list of things I definitely absolutely must do some day. The deadline for this one will be 4 years.

I must scoot somewhere far across a desert or two and back before the end of 2014.
Done.

List Revisted - The Action Plan

As is the usual Jess style I have just accompanied my new job and new career plan with a new haircut.

So I thought with all this positivity and planning and change in the air I would review my "Things I want to do someday" list and put in some deadlines. Progress has been made. YAY.

Here it is, things that Ive done, things that I'll do soon and then the rest.

Be a non-blonde again - done!
Me < 60kg - done!
Write poetry as an adult - done!
Learn to spend a whole night in heels (and remain vertical)- Done!
Get rid of the green tinge from my hair - done!
Put plants in the back garden - next weekend definitely.
Be able to run 10km - must happen in the next 4 weeks (crappo)
Make a soufflé (a good one)- before Christmas
Go skydiving - This is now on the list to be done in the next 13 months - perhaps as my birthday present next year.
Compete in a triathlon - in the next year, perhaps next years pink triathlon.
Have a job title I’m proud of - if all goes to plan in six months I will be training and 28 weeks after that - Bingo!

These will come later...
Write an erotic novel.
Go paragliding
Have something published
Have a nude photo shoot
Spend a day at a nudey beach - completely
Learn to dive
Swim with whale sharks
Go to Bhutan and see the effects of ‘gross national happiness’
Snorkel/dive Ningaloo reef
Go ‘proper’ camping
Give birth
Levitate
Live in France – if only for a few months
Become fluent in French
Be pikies and drive around Aus in a campervan
Go hiking
See snow – not the crap stuff on the ground but see it actually fall from the sky
Somehow get backstage at a concert (may already be too old/married for this one)
Learn to surf
Learn to snowboard
Learn to salsa
Invent something
Be an extra on TV or in a movie
Be in another play
Get a tattoo
Cross an international land border
Learn to sail
Be asked to present a speech for something

I Want to be Tall and Important Man. With a Gun.

So I did it. Yesterday I took up the challenge. I Stepped Forward©

As I walked towards the complex I was amazed at how clean and manicured everything was, how modern, how.... uniform.

I walked past a statue of a very tall man looking important, walked past two very tall important men who starred inquisitively at me and then wandered on past a quadrangle that held a group of about 15 Very tall and imposing men in bullet proof vests, all standing in a circle feet shoulder width apart, hands clasped behind their backs, pecks bulging.

I saw two girls, they were sporty. They were the only people I saw that didn't have uniforms on. I wish they had so then I could see what they look like. No pleats please. That would almost be a deal breaker.

I saw in front of me a map of the academy with a large sign informing visitors that they must report to academy management and receieve a visitor's pass immediately before entering any building or looking at anything or they will be shot by massive men with massive guns.

I followed the maps directions past many tall modern, navy blue buildings and past many tall, young navy blue men until I found the recruitment centre.

They smiled, I smiled, they asked why I was there - I said to hand these in - they said, well sit down then. I smiled. I sat. They smiled. They checked, they smiled, they said 2- 4 weeks then another few weeks but 6 months at least.

I said ok, I smiled, they smiled. The ball is in motion.

The man said six months, my problem is - what now? Im currently being paid peanuts to be bored out of my brain, peanuts can't pay the mortgage. Although, I could use said peanuts to feed a pet elephant, and I could teach the Elephant tricks - like playing soccer or painting and then I would make people pay to watch the Elephant play soccer and they would spend massive amounts of money on the elephant's paintings.

But I dont think Gus would get a long well with the elephant, and we couldnt fit Gus and us and an elephant into the bed on Sunday mornings. And elephants have huge poop. And it's probably illegal to keep an elephant in a suburban backyard - and I've stopped doing things that are illegal.

So what now? I cant go back, I can not go back I can not go back I can not go back I will not go back!!!

Seek it is.

Two Jumpers Helps.

The two coldest roads I know of in perth are thomas street heading towards UWA and mounts bay road – either direction. I think it’s kings park that makes thomas street so cold, the dark, the green, the trees. Mounts bay road for the same reason, the dark, the green, the trees and the river. I always feel just a touch warmer when I reach the city. I have to take one of these road to get home from work. I hate them. Riverside drive should be equally as cold, but im just that little bit closer to home so I don’t feel it as much.

I feel the cold, really feel it. This is the time of the year that I usually spend snuggled up somewhere with a million layers of clothing, a blanket, a hot water bottle and a book. Still shivering from the cold.
I would prefer to lock myself away until late September, appearing only on those freakishly lovely winter days we sometimes have, but not unless it hits 27 degrees.

I’ve been riding the scooter sor far this winter (its only just July and it feels like ive been cold for months) riding the scooter to and from work – a thirty minute ride these days and have been experimenting with different methods of staying unfrozen.

I wear thick tights under my pants, I wear jeans to work whenever possible. On my top half I wear a singlet, a t-shirt, a jumper, a big f-off warm as I can find jacket and a scarf. I wear thickest gloves I could find, I wear knee high boots with my tights under my pants, I wrap my scarf a liitle bit muslim so it covers my ears and my chin and I wear a beanie under my helmet.

I don’t care what I look like. I don’t need to be cool. I just need to not freeze.

I also distract myself from the cold by keeping myself entertained. I probably should concentrate on the road but then I would freeze. I entertain myself by counting things, street poles, other cars, trees that are taller than buildings. I like counting and timing, see how fast the poles whizz past me, see how many cars pass me before we get to the next traffic light and how many of them I then pass through at the lights. I like to race cars, find one and race it to the spot where we go our separate ways, and then I find another to race to the next intersection.

I wore 2 jumpers last night under my jacket, and I tucked my jacket sleeves into my gloves, it was almost warm.

It’s my birthday in one week. I will be older.