Things I Know about Football

I’m married to a sport fanatic. He doesn’t play, just watches. But he watches everything. When you follow all football codes as well as tennis, cricket, golf, tenpin bowling, basketball and the national spelling bee championships - there is always sport to watch, every day. He’s very committed.

So in order to have happy, lovely, couple time, I occasionally have to watch the sport and recently we’ve started a habit of going to our local WAFL games on Saturdays.

Now I know nothing about sport, I don’t understand what they are doing or why. I have no idea what the correct protocol is when someone kicks the ball out of the big white circle. I have no idea what a ruckman is or how they can possibly end up jumping on each other’s shoulders like that. I have in the past tried to watch a game but I always get lost at the bit when they stop playing and swap sides, I lose my team, I have no idea what is happening and what direction the ball should be going in and it all just gets too hard. I like to think im at least moderately intelligent, but football is something I just don’t understand.

I have been picking up some things from our trips to the football though, here’s what I’ve learnt.


Things I know about Football

It’s perfectly acceptable for several players to jump on top of the player who has the ball and hold him down so he can’t get rid of the ball. In these situations everyone in the crowd then has to yell “BALL” as loudly as possible and abuse the umpire.

The more team paraphernalia you are wearing, the louder you are allowed to yell.

Thongs and shorts are perfectly acceptable winter wear as long as you are also wearing a beanie.

It is best to bring your own stubby holder to the game.

If you do bring your own stubby holder, be sure to write your name on it in big black marker. This will stop someone taking your drink by accident. Unless, of course your name is Keith.

Dad’s who bring their kids to the football don’t have to follow any of Mum’s normal rules.

Children over the age of five can be left by themselves when you hang out in the bar, as long as they stay near the fence where you can see them and only talk to strangers supporting the correct team.

If your team is winning, you must make friends with everyone around you.

If your team is losing, you don’t have time to make friends, you should be busy abusing the umpires. Spearmint Cowboys.

You must walk on to the oval at half time. If you have children you must kick a football with them on the oval at half time.

The bar sells wine – this is a trick, if you order wine you will immediately be branded a pussy and be escorted from the grounds, you must only drink beer or spirits. This counts for the womenfolk also.

You cannot swap sides during a football game, even if the side you picked is losing by billions of points. If you support the same team for more than one game you must support the same team for your entire life. Even if you move states, even if the coach and all the players die in a tragic accident and the team is a completely new one. Even if you suffer amnesia and forget which team you support and who you are and what side of the bed you sleep on. You still can not swap teams. Ever. I now support the Perth demons, even though they are crap.

I might buy a hat. Carn the D's!