Red Whine

I’m absolutely positive I was hit by a car on Friday night. When I woke up I could feel the tire tracks across my scull and all of the tiny little fractures in my eye sockets. I could even feel the pressure in my eyes from the enormous weight of the car running over my head.

My back was bruised and my legs were bruised and one of my feet felt like the wheel of the car had run right over it. I don’t know when this hit and run happened though. I remember leaving and getting a taxi home – and I was feeling fine at this point. I remember paying the taxi driver, getting my keys out of my bag and walking through my front door and going to bed. I’m assuming I must have recently started sleepwalking, managed to get out of bed, walk outside into the path of a car (or maybe it was a truck?) be pummelled under its wheels and then get myself up, walk back to bed and go back to sleep.

I’m absolutely positive this happened because there is no other way to reasonably explain the pain I was feeling on Saturday morning. I mean, there was a decent amount of wine consumed but I didn’t fall over at all so how did I get the bruises? How could a couple of bottles of red cause my scull to fracture in a million places and my brain to swell – just a tiny bit – just enough so that I could feel it was swollen, I could feel it pushing against the side of my temples and the backs of my eyes. I was also suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress that was resulting in extreme tiredness and unending nausea.

The most horrible part of this experience is that no one believed me. I still had to get up early and spend the whole day at work. I tried to explain my agony but my complaints fell on deaf ears. Didn’t they see that I was clearly the victim here? There is no way I could have caused myself this much pain, I like myself, I wouldn’t do that to me.

Perhaps I should start a support group – ‘drunken sleepwalking victims of crime group’ It would be for all the people who get bashed while drunkenly sleepwalking and wake up with random cuts and bruises, or those people who were positive they had their mobile phone in the taxi and are so sure they had it when they walked through the door too but it is never in their bag when they wake up. Clearly they were mugged while they were sleepwalking. Perhaps this might also explain some of those drunken phone calls or text messages we are absolutely sure we never made? Or those stories that your friends tell about you that you have no recollection of ever happening. Sleepwalking. It explains everything.